Now, I know it is a well known fact that I don't care for a good eighty-five percent of the school population (higher if we're including the pseudo-staff and other beings that unfortunately populate these grounds) but I thought it would be all right if I gave back, just this once. Well, I would be giving back if it hadn't entertained me.
Now, we all know Lavender Brown, the Gryffindor who informs us with the love lives of people we could care less about - a tip for next time, though, have some scandal involved, or at least more surprise in who it's about. Anyway, for some reason, she's dating Weasley, Potter's Shadow Number Two. Now, despite this, just tonight while actually doing my prefect duties, I saw Brown snogging, not her disgustingly poor beau (term used loosely), but Ravenclaw prefect, Anthony Goldstein.
And if he was pure blood, I'd completely understand.
Now, inquiring minds would like to know (not really), Brown, have you seen him shirtless yet? And if you have, did you like what you saw? Just how long have you been sneaking around with Goldstein? And, consider this a bonus, but have you broken the news to Weasley yet?
ATTENTION EVERYONE WHO THOUGHT I WAS OFF MY GAME RECENTLY.
I know, I know. I haven't snooped in a while and I haven't gossiped about people and no one's caught me taking pictures of people behind their backs, I know. But I am back with a vengence (except not really, because this is totally good news!)
NEW COUPLE ALERT.
Did you hear that, everyone? NEW. COUPLE. ALERT. You may have heard rumours about these two going out, and you may have seen them flirt with one another shamelessly, and you may have been sickened by how cute these two are - but NOT ONLY ARE THEY OFFICIALLY GOING OUT, but I have seen them SNOGGING.
And not just regular snogging. This was no calm snog. This was a triple X, daytime-soap-opera-worthy snog.
Corner, I didn't know I had it in you. I guess it's true that Ravenclaws are freaks in the sheets.
Abbott, good work.
score for Lavender!
, it's nearly Christmas. Yes
, the castle is decorated fantastically and stupid things like mistletoe exist. But please, for the love of all that is holy, do not use it as an excuse to be an idiot. I don't want a headache earlier than usual. I might get cranky.
I swear to god, I know it was you because it's always you. If you destroy any more stuff of Hermione's SPEW stuff you'll regret the day you ever learned how to use a simple Incendio. You have five minutes to clean this up before any more students get upset about your bloody transfigured socks that you set on fire. You're disgusting, Malfoy. They're whimpering and I seriously think Seamus is contemplating rescuing them all and keeping them as pets. Get up here and clean this up now before he starts building them a sodding little sock home in his trunk.
It occurs to me that sometimes students might have general announcements that they might want to get to a wide audience at the same time. I think this should fulfill that need quite nicely.
I'll start us off then. No, I'm not going to discuss the ongoing fight to free the house elves because that's exactly what you're expecting. Instead I'm going to talk about N.E.W.T.s. Yes, they're in a year, but it's never too early to start preparing.
I've prepared a comprehensive study guide that I'll happily make a copy of for anyone who needs it. I'm also willing to help people study, although that's better saved for next year. N.E.W.T.s will be here faster than you think! Don't put it off (Harry and Ron)!